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In neighborhood disputes, we often see terms like: mean neighbor, inconsiderate, noisy dog...
Conflicts often begin with polite communication and escalate into verbal abuse. What psychological changes occur in between? Let's look at the account of a user who posted this question below:
The downstairs neighbor feels guilty towards the upstairs neighbor.
Noise Story Background
I've lived here for a few years. The upstairs neighbors are a resettled family who run a restaurant. They have two adult, unmarried daughters. There has been intermittent noise disturbance, but it didn't bother me before because it didn't disturb my rest.
In the past two years, first my eldest daughter upstairs went to work, then my youngest daughter started high school tutoring. Almost every night when I get home around 11 p.m., the noise starts: the sound of hard-soled shoes walking, the clanging, and the screeching of moving tables and chairs. It's especially unbearable in the quiet of the night. I start cooking and housework promptly at 6 a.m. every morning, and that's another round of noise.
I've communicated with the upstairs neighbor at least five times-face-to-face, by writing notes, and in the owners' group chat. I've tried all these methods, trying to reason with them. But their attitude went from being polite at the beginning to becoming impatient later. They said I was making a fuss and that I "should live in a villa."
Is it normal to feel embarrassed?
My child is over 4 years old. I'm afraid that being too extreme will harm the child, so I haven't retaliated too much.
Until last week, I was woken up at 5:30 a.m. by the noise from the upstairs neighbors working. I cursed in the owners' group, "It's so annoying to work so early in the morning." As a result, the upstairs neighbors started to say that I was rude and started cursing. The conversation ended with me saying, "You think you're right to disturb the peace? If you keep doing this, then nobody can sleep."
The noise has indeed decreased a lot these past few days, but strangely, I feel embarrassed, a little ashamed and a little guilty. What kind of psychology is this?
1. Where does this feeling of guilt come from?
Let's analyze the main points of contention between the upstairs and downstairs neighbors:
1. Noise source upstairs: The eldest daughter who comes home late from work likes to wear hard-soled shoes and drags the tables and chairs; the sound of her cooking around 6 a.m.
2. The downstairs neighbors have normal schedules, but the building has poor sound insulation, causing disturbances from upstairs.
3. After multiple attempts to communicate with the downstairs neighbors, the upstairs neighbors began to become impatient.
4. The residents downstairs started to openly confront each other in the owners' group chat, and the two sides got into a war of words.
5. The person upstairs showed restraint, while the person downstairs felt that their behavior was undignified.
Their conflict stems primarily from the building's poor soundproofing, leading the upstairs neighbor to feel their normal daily activities are being restricted by the downstairs neighbor's desire for quiet. Consequently, the upstairs neighbor increasingly feels their downstairs neighbor is unreasonable, seemingly believing they've done nothing wrong. So why does the downstairs neighbor feel ashamed and guilty?
Let's speculate on what the questioner was saying in the group chat at that time:
*The content of this chat box is fictitious.
When someone complains in a chat group with hundreds of members, feeling they have a valid point, they are, to some extent, hoping to gain the approval and understanding of the group members. Considering the embarrassment and guilt the downstairs neighbor might feel, it was assumed that only the upstairs and downstairs neighbors were actually talking in the group at the time, with the property management and other residents choosing to remain silent. This silence would make people consciously feel negative about their complaining behavior.
For example, in the case of the group members below, even without any external assistance in soundproofing, they were able to reduce their sensitivity to noise when others understood and agreed with them. This is "group psychology".
The questioner's guilt stems not only from the collective silence but also from the ingrained humility in Chinese culture. We are expected to speak appropriately, politely, and respectfully, avoiding trouble. If one day we suddenly break free from these constraints and become assertive, resorting to verbal attacks and failing to gain understanding from others, we will experience guilt.
In conclusion, this sense of guilt stems from "group silence + Chinese etiquette culture".
2. Is this kind of mentality normal? What are the consequences?
Regardless of whether this feeling of guilt is normal, the sudden assertiveness downstairs certainly had an effect. Sometimes you have to stand up to malicious behavior. After all, some people, if you don't speak to them directly, are like they've lost their hearing and speech, and they'll think you're easy to bully and keep slandering you.
Feeling guilty is actually quite normal; it shows that everyone has a kind and gentle heart. If you've ever felt this way, there's no need to think there's anything wrong with you, nor should you assume that everyone upstairs is evil. On the contrary, this change in mindset can potentially bring about a turning point in resolving the conflict upstairs.
As neighbors, none of us want to be at odds with our upstairs neighbors every day, but our lives are indeed being disturbed. People have a sense of territory, and being restricted by external noise in your own home is definitely unpleasant (in fact, the upstairs neighbor thinks the same way; he also has to constantly restrain his behavior for your sake).
The beauty of a good person lies in their flexibility; they can resolve issues through argument, but they can also handle them gently. If an apartment building isn't soundproof, the upstairs neighbors can be more considerate by walking quietly and closing doors gently-it's not too difficult. If all else fails, improving the soundproofing of the bedrooms is another option. Upstairs can improve floor sound insulation and vibration reduction, while downstairs neighbors can improve window and wall soundproofing. Poor soundproofing in apartments is common, but problematic neighbors aren't necessarily a universal problem.
If you would like to learn how to soundproof your home, please contact us or join our group for discussion.